Friday, March 13, 2009,7:50 PM
tossed n turn on the bed e whole of last nite but jus couldnt fall aslp...thinkin of wat happen when i received e call yesterdae aftenoon made me super super duper angry...n upset...
angry cos undeniably things were changed during my absence since i have medical appointment and other than acceptin instructions n following like a dog wat they expect from me i didnt seem to have e choice to say a second thing...jus accept it..tt was how it sounded...but since i was unable to make it...i accept it and decided e change might be good for us since we will be doin sth familiar n probabli better with...
but e most angry thing was yet again i m INFORMED of only when to meet n not asked if i was able to make it anot...as if things couldnt get any worst...supposedly to be having a doctor's appointment with the dermatologist on e next coming sat to check my skin problem since yesterdae's doctor mentioned tt curing it earli would be better at this earli stage now rather than draggin later in case it affects e baby...but then wat...i have to cancel the appointment from the doc even though it was a referral by them n go for sth to has been prearranged and not discussed with me...
jus cos i was absence i become non-existence...??? upset n angry...
depressed to goin to school cos goin to school will meant tt i have to face ppl who treats me as non-existence...
upset cos aft studyin here for almost completing mi 3rd years of study...when i come to feel that i found some group of friends who are realli nice n encouraging...i was dampen with a bucket of cold water tellin mi tt i don belong to this group...probabli stayin alone by myself could have been a better idea in e 1st place...since for e 1st n 2nd year it has always been like tt...mi flop mus be e fact tt i got too overly adapted to having them in mi environment tt i started hallucinating tt they are my friends but when in actual fact they themselves are one group on their own...i don belong to them...
as i toss n turn on mi bed last nite...i thought n thought abt this whole issue...got a little upset n felt mi eyes feelin wet...i touch my heart n am clear tt i realli like them lot and sincerely treat them as the group of friends i can talk to in school...but yet i m e one they leave out when they go out...i m e 1 left at the back when they are whisperin secrets to each other...not tt i m a young or small girl anymore...where the girls have the usual 'don friend u' or 'i friend u' sort of thing...but when i feel that i sincerli take my heart out and befriend some1...tts wat i have been treated as...invisible n non-existence...
while all major n minor details were discussed amongst urself when i m not ard...i m angry not cos things were changed without discussin with me but tt why am i not being respected when it comes to certain decision making sessions....deciding e meeting place...deciding the meetin time...everythin...i don get a say n i have to accomodate...cos i m non-existence so tt i should be the 1 accomodating...??? i m human i have a life of my own....y should i always be the one accomodating n be the 1 taking instructions...WHY????????!!!!!!!!!?!!?!?!?!!?!
disappointed n depressing...aft gettin e call yesterdae aftnoon i jus couldnt stop but think m i so insignificant tt i deserves no respect...not e sort of respect tt we give to our teachers...but at least e most basic respect tt one should have even towards a stranger rite....but looks like i don even deserve to be a stranger...these few daes n weeks are like a torture to me...i don know how to face ppl who i feel tt they don even treat me as their friends...whenever somethings happened i m always e last to know...when i didnt make it for e dinner tt dae during cny...no 1 even phoned mi to ask about me...tts probabli how much of significance i stand in their heart... 0 significance...
as we walk into e sch canteen for lunch together....y m i e only 1 sittin alone when there are 5 of us...but some1 will definitely be sitting with another one of them if they are sittin alone...
Ho : mean of insignificance level is 0
H1 : mean of insignificance level is not 0
Conclusion: At SIGNIFICANCE LEVEL = 0.05%, DO NOT REJECT H0...
translating mi feelings into stats...this is wat i feel now...
i m like a small kid now cryin over spill milk about mi friends treatin mi as insignificant CREATURE...
but actualli wat realli upsets mi is how much they respect mi n how insignificant i m in their eyes...accidentally saw her book of buyin pressies back for friends in school...wat a coincidence...mi name is not there...LOL...
lao gong says no matter wat happen...as long as i cover mi back properly it doesnt matter wat they did n do...but i didnt tell him how much it matters to me tt when i treat some1 as mi friends n this is e kind of treatment tt i received back....i m badly hurt...
xinyan n weitien know tt i hardli cry esp if its due to friends n relationships with them...but this time round...i feel so badly hurt...just like tt time in sec sch when i quarrel with weitien cos of tt issue...and she accuses mi of wat happened...i m badly hurt again...hurt tt i sincerely bare mi heart out to be friends with them but yet i m jus nth but an outsider in their eyes...
try to turn n close mi eyes about it cos bein unhappy at this stage is jus not tt good...but yet this sort of pain jus seem like some1 stabbing mi with a knife...whether its from e back or from e front...it doesnt matter anymore....cos all i know is tt it hurts alot....so much tt i m startin to feel so depressed to goin to sch...
thankfully mi dearest baby is not affected...yesterdae's check up with e doc was fine...went thru e blood test n some basic questioning about mi medical history to ensure tt both baby n i are fine...n other than e mother havin to go thru e blood test...e father actualli has to go thru e blood test also...luckily hubby was there with me...scared of blood...but he stood n accompanied mi b4 he went for his...this is to ensure tt our blood are free from any diseases so tt our baby will not be infected...doc tried to do a scan to hear e baby's heartbeat...but as its still too earli...so she say the baby probably have not moved up to e correct position yet...so unable to hear it....no ultrascan at e polyclinic so was unable to view it instead...but hopefully e next check will be able to c or hear e baby's heartbeat...
only thing tt cheered me up since yesterdae since i tell miself no matter wat happens now e most impt thing is to ensure tt mi baby is healthy...
so matter how painful it hurts from tt incident in school...theres nth much i can do anymore...e damage is done...tts probably wat they wanted from e first place....
