Wednesday, April 22, 2009,4:05 PM
on e 23rd dae tt i lost my baby...
i finally jus finished mi exams to be back free here to start bloggin...aft combi analysis yesterdae suddenly felt a sigh of relief even though was still quite worried abt how e result for this is goin to end up during june when i view mi results...but nevertheless it was still a sigh of relief
however...wonderin if it was due to this reason tt i have no longer anythin to worry abt...i start to think abt wat happened recentli again....cant help but worry feel scared if the next time will be e same....worry tt e next time when we have baby again....when i go for e check up will there be good news or bad news again...
feelin scared....
Tuesday, April 7, 2009,7:51 PM
on e no.8 day tt i lost my baby...
i thought abt somethings again last nite...somethings are easily forgotten but apparently some are not...after tryin to make myself busy with packin my room yesterdae for some make over so i can forget abt being alone cos darlin had to go back to work after accompanin mi for so many daes...i still cant help but think abt wat happened...i know i should learn to let go but things jus doesnt seem to be tt easy...
lyin on e bed as i watched darlin fallin asleeep aft he came back from work...i thought how wonderful it would be if baby was here with us...
exactly this dae 2 weeks ago...we would say goodnite to each other...n then goodnite to baby...
but exactly 1 week ago yesterdae...i found out abt baby's heartbeat not beatin...n cried e whole nite to mi darlin...
exactly 1 week ago todae... i was lyin on e hospital bed at kk waitin for the op...with injections and all funni things done...
i miss how things were in e past...how i use to tell darlin when he's at work tt...baby n i love him...
now it can only be i love you..
Sunday, April 5, 2009,8:32 AM
on e no.5 day tt i lost my baby...darlin brought me out for a break probably thinkin tt trapped at home too many daes is bad for me...
actualli he didnt wanted to go out today le...cos i knew he was also too tired to go out...but in e end when mi mummy called he actualli say okies...
quite happy tt darlin actualli brought mi out today then...walked ard with mummy n daddy they all n bought some daily necessities and darlin with his finally found Gundam 00 dvd...he told mi tt he had been lookin for it for quite some time...n when he saw it at HMV once....he wanted to wait for me to buy together but in e end some1 bought it b4 him n it was no longer to be found there...so he actualli decided to go online n look for the dvd but was mostly too exp. or from overseas which i didnt encourage him to get it cos he already once lost a dinosaur collectors item through the online transaction...so i didnt encourage him to get stuffs from ebay anymore...
but anyways...luckily he manage to find it todae n he looks happi too after managing to find tt dvd..
darlin bought mi a sort of key pouch plus coin pouch tt was rather kiddish but cute it thought...actualli liked it quite alot so i made him buy it for me..
was on e overall quite happi todae...but darlin noticed tt i looked rather sad when i c the mothers or fathers carryin the little babies n their toddlers around me...they jus look so cute n adorable...
but darlin said tt we should forget everythin n look forward to the future...so now..i look forward to havin our own baby n children too....
i love mi darlin...
Saturday, April 4, 2009,8:07 AM
on e no.4 dae tt i lost my baby...
darlin said he read mi blog yesterdae nite...hehe...
darlin i love you...hope u c this too...
feelin somehow unwell this mornin when i wake up n mi mummy they all say its cos of the op they had cause this unwell...still feelin damn bu shu fu now...but got no choice...
was tellin darlin jus now tt if onli we still have e baby....then goin thru this pain would have probabli hurt less when i get to c baby with mi..
probably its realli like wat everyone has said...its fated tt this baby doesnt belong to mi...belong to us...
darlin said if e baby didnt leave us now it would probabli be goin thru even more sufferings if it had managed to come into this world since e doc says tt e baby is veri unhealthy...so darlin say maybe this would be a better situation for both us n our baby...
so now i try to keep myself as healthy as i can n avoid all e food n things tt everyone ask mi not to do n eat...cos i wan to make sure tt our next baby will be able to grow well n healthily...
baby...i miss you
n i love mi darlin....
Friday, April 3, 2009,8:51 AM
on this no.3 day i lost my baby...i start to wonder if losing mi baby had caused mi darlin to hate me...though he looked as if nth had happened....but somehow i still cant stop to wonder if this would cause a crack in our relationship....
everyone ask me to talk to them if i need some1 to talk to...but i don realli know how to talk to them when i go to them...i look at darlin and look again...but the words jus cant seem to come out from mi mouth when i look at him...
i recall e lady stayin opp. mi bed yesterdae...she looked so pale n was cryin all e day after she came out from e op...i figure she lost her baby too...
on e first 2 daes when i know abt it...i cried...n cried...but today...e tears jus don seem to be flowin out anymore...i think abt e baby still...but i figure e tears have dried up from e 2 daes of cryin...i want to talk to some1 but somehow words jus cant seem to come out from mi mouth n thus i decided to keep quiet n let it pass...
i don know how to comunicate with ppl...
i miss baby...
Thursday, April 2, 2009,2:37 AM
e second day without baby...i started thinkin abt e first dae when i found out abt e baby n how happi i felt when i realised tt i was goin to be a mother in 9 months time...
but now tt baby has left mi...e dream no longer exist...
while everyone says tt we r still young n we can try again next time..but fact is i still lost this baby...
a few weeks ago...we were thinkin abt e name for our baby...nicole?? nicholas??? dear dear even said like evangelion...he thought of all e funny names of the soccer players cos he hope tt they will be like him in future...sports athelete...cute n active...
but we lost our baby...
i miss baby...
Wednesday, April 1, 2009,8:29 PM
i went to the doc on tues...n e doc told mi tt mi baby stopped growin at 2 months old...theres no heartbeat...i lost my baby...
i don koe y it ended up like tt...but when both mi n dear dear were so lookin forward to becomin parents...i had to put an end to this joy n told him tt i lost our baby...
e doctor say tt its most likely due to our baby bein unhealthy...but i still felt tt if i were healthier..i probably wouldn't be here writin abt this now...
i went to the hospital yesterdae to double check again...n went thru e op for the necessary procedures...e thought tt b4 e op i had someone with mi inside mi tummy but aft e op...i felt all of a sudden tt i m all alone again...op ended late n so i had no choice but to stay overnight there last nite...
dear dear cannot stay with mi n so i plea n plea everyone so tt i can go back home yesterdae nite..but every1 opposed to it...no1 knew y i didnt wan to stay there all alone...
every1 say tt we r still young...make myself healthy again n we can try again....but e thought tt i went into the hospital but instead of havin mi baby born i had to lose e baby hurts terribly...i looked forward to my baby growin everydae n i look forward to the birth of my baby...
but e doc had to tell mi tt i m baby has no heartbeat anymore....i m scared...so scared of losin again...
i felt guilty...i could have stayed healthy n brought this baby to the world n witness e change in the world...witness the 2010 youth olympic in singapore...witness the aunt's weddin in dec....but cos of mi....e baby missed everythin...lost the chance to c all this....
i miss my baby...
